Selling sexual enhancement pills sounds like the easiest job in the world. You take an explosive adjective, throw it on a box covered in naked people, and BAM! It’s time to start deciding how to spend your profits.
Except it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes, when you’re focusing all your energy on putting out a dubious “sexual enhancement” product, you can’t be bothered to design packaging that makes any kind of sense and/or doesn’t look like the pictorial equivalent of a ransom note.
#12. Stree Overlord Will Let You Bone Like A Street Fighter Character
We haven’t played Street Fighter in a long time, but we’re pretty sure no button combination in existence will produce this result:
Now you know why Blanka is smiling on the Super Nintendo cover.
Despite being a brand of penile supplements, Stree Overlord has the name and the mastery of English of a shitty Street Fighter II bootleg, and it will improve your sex life exactly as much. The box art, meanwhile, is pure “DeviantArt with the NSFW filters off” (in fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they lifted it from there). Oh, and that’s a leg in the foreground, by the way; using Stree Overlord has not (yet) been proven to cause gigantic penises to erupt from the ground like the monsters from Tremors.
But don’t worry. They came up with a fake history for their dick-swelling pills which reads like an entry from a middle school boy’s wish fulfillment journal:
This unregulated penis supplement has more plot than Street Fighter V.
The official site, meanwhile, only mentions that Stree Overlord was developed by the prestigious “Shenglong Medecine Biology Research Center” (fittingly, Sheng Long means “Rising Dragon Punch”). At least we can all agree that this is a more respectful adaptation than the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.
#11. iScream Is Hauntingly Obsessed With Making Women Scream
Ladies! Do you hate making normal sex noises? Do you want your neighbors to think that you’re being murdered on a roller coaster? Do you want orgasms so potent that you’ll forget how to spell “orgasms?” If so, good news: iScreams are the pills for you!
Although judging by the photos, this could easily be a powerful laxative.
iScream is what happens when Big Pharma has a graphics budget of $0.50 because they hired Eli Roth to write the ad copy. “It’s time to scream … in bed …” sounds like the chilling promise of a serial killer. It doesn’t get any better when you visit their Amazon listing and discover that it consists of little more than stock photos of screaming women, which only seems to confirm their “violent felon” demographic.
“Hey, this looks like my Pinterest board!” — a person you should avoid
#10. Big PENIS Cuts Straight To The Point
Sup, bro? How’s it hanging? If you said “not sufficiently,” then we’ve got a solution for you! All you have to do is choke down a big penis.
Pro tip: If saliva isn’t doing the trick, try washing it down with jelly.
It’s a crazy, messed-up world when the most honest advertising we’ve seen in decades comes from the world of shifty pill vendors. There’s no misunderstanding of what you get from using Big PENIS. There’s no delightful wordplay involving euphemisms like “Solid Oak,” or “Iron Rod,” or “Dense Pencil.” You’re getting a Big PENIS. And not just any Big PENIS. No, Big PENIS comes in an austere metallic box that looks like the slipcase for a Terminator 2 DVD, complete with the flag of the United States. Because thanks to Big PENIS, your junk can now be used as a flagpole, apparently.
Make Big Penis Great Again.
#9. French Ladies Will Flood Your Vagina With “Exiting Water”
The name “French Ladies” brings to mind elegance, class, and sophistication. The packaging does absolutely none of those things, and indeed, only seems interested in reminding women that vaginas exist. You know, in case they forgot.
This is what Jack from Titanic‘s finished drawing would have looked like if he hadn’t died.
However, this product does promise users something called “super constrict vagina,” which is a phrase that demands further investigation. The words “exiting water” only compound the mystery, seemingly suggesting that this is medication for a urinary tract infection. Let’s see how the description checks out:
Uh, so this pill makes you spray “vagina juice” like a fire hose for 20 minutes? There’s an off switch though, right? Let’s keep reading.
Because loud, semiconscious moaning is never a sign of excruciating pain or impending death.
OK, so is this a date rape drug? Because it sure sounds like a date rape drug.
#8. We Really, Really Hope Big Brother Is An Orwell Reference
To its credit, Big Brother doesn’t promise to turn your junk into a monster or transform your sperm into chocolate milk. They’re simply good ol’ fashioned dick extenders.
“Fun for the whole family!”
It’s just … the name, guys. It raises more questions than these pills ever will penises. Why would you ever call your sex drug “Big Brother”? Did the final name come down to a choice between that and “My Sister Is DTF”? If so, why?
Or perhaps we’re misreading this. It’s not incest; it’s a commentary on the surveillance state and how Big Government (a much better name, to be honest) is destroying our privacy. That would explain why there’s a surveillance camera in the top-left corner of the box.
#7. Daniel Craig And Barack Obama Are Secret Agents Of Male Enhancement
Seeing as how Daniel Craig has reportedly retired from being James Bond, this’d be a great time for him to capitalize on his smoldering looks and get into the penis pill business. Unless, as God Of War suggests, he already did that years ago.
Not that this wouldn’t be in character for Bond.
We can’t blame him. It’s a good career move. After all, what other celebrity has the raw sexual magnetism to spearhead their own line of male enhancements?
That’s fucking right: Barack Obama. These pills were recovered during a drug raid in Pakistan, making this the first time he’s ever deployed a deadly weapon on a civilian population that wasn’t fired from a drone. They could probably do with a rebranding, however. We’d suggest Cum-ander In Chief, and maybe getting some better pictures instead of plagiarizing artwork from a Spider-Man comic.
We mean, there are multiple pornographic Obama manga to choose from.
And while we’re on the subject of superheroes …